TouKen One Shots--Touka x Kaneki
by Let'sPretendThisIsClever
Summary: You were my source of strength, I've traded everything that I love for this one thing... Don't leave me here like this, can't hear me scream from the abyss, and now I wish for you, my desire.
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED THE MANGA. MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Every day, there's not a time I don't think about her. She was my strength. My desire. The reason I was alive, and I left her. I regret the choice of leaving so much every day it's eating a hole inside my heart. All I want to do is hug her, whisper to her, tell her I love her, but I can't. I vowed to myself I would not return until I finished what needed to be finished.  
But even then, I lied to myself. Once in a while, I returned to the twentieth ward at night, all alone, and simply stared at the place I once called home, the place where she called home. I couldn't stay separated from her. But I had a job to do. My feelings didn't matter. Once it was over, I could love her all I wanted.  
This was far from over. In fact, it was more like the beginning, even though I've been at this for so long. It saddens me, actually, but I could never let my team know that.  
Today, though, was a different day. After waking, I sighed, not wanting to get up. I stared at my ceiling before forcing myself out of bed and put on my clothes. I had to visit the manager today. The first day I've actually been inside Anteiku. I took a deep breath and left, arriving in the twentieth ward sooner than I had hoped.  
Walking into Anteiku, there was a new worker and the manager. "Welco-" the new worker cut off upon seeing me. The manager took me inside to have a talk. He told me his past, and answered some of my questions.  
"Won't you come back to Anteiku, Kaneki-kun?" They wanted me back. And I wanted to come back. I couldn't though. I went up to the roof, thinking things through, and hoping to catch a glimpse of Touka.  
As I hoped, she came running up the steps, and our eyes met for the first time in who knows how long. Neither of us knew what to say. I managed to get out "Touka..."  
She said nothing. She still didn't say anything. I guessed I'd have to explain myself. "Touka... at Anteiku, I talked with the manager. I have a feeling it was the first time he'd told his story."  
"Oh." That was all she said. I continued.  
"He told me to come back to Anteiku."  
"And...?"  
"I don't know. I don't know if by joining the manager, I'll get what I want-or if I can't."  
"So what exactly... do you want?"  
I clenched my fist. "I... want to protect everyone. I want to protect Hinami, Banjou and his friends, Hide, and you, Touka. I don't want to lose anyone important to me. That's why I pulled out any interfering weeds." I cracked my fingers. That'd become a habit of mine.  
Touka seemed sad as she replied, "But who? Who are you going to protect? Who are you going to 'pull out'? Aogiri? The Doves? Humans? Ghouls? All of them? To throw yourself into this endless bullshit, is that what you want? Besides, no one is yours to do what you want with. There is no reason we have to be protected by you. You pretend to care about other people, but in the end, it's all about you. You're just afraid of being alone, aren't you? What you want is nothing more than self-satisfaction." Touka smirked at me. "It's all so stupid"  
"You think you know me better than myself?" She asked.  
"Yeah. I do." I answered.  
"Because you're mistaken."  
"Well, that's OK. As long as you're never left alone..."

_Wake up. _I demanded. _Wake up! You promised Hide you'd fight! You promised him, now get up you bastard! _I couldn't get up. Even though I was mentally yelling at myself, I couldn't get up. Maybe it was because of the memories. Maybe the memories were so heavy that I couldn't get up.  
Why was it all black? Why couldn't I see? Was I going to die here? I was dying, wasn't I?  
I was dying, and I never once got to tell her...  
_I love you, Touka... I'm afraid I won't be returning to Anteiku. _


	2. Chapter 2

_I can't see. Why can't I see? _I was alive. I was hearing voices.  
"Sh... it's okay. Everything will be alright. Just get some rest," someone said. I felt someone stroke my hand, and I went to sleep. I was never quite sure whether or not I went to sleep. Everything just went quiet.  
The next time I woke up, something was on my face. I felt at it, panicking, trying to rip it from my face. "Get it off, get it off!" I heard the door fly open. I was gasping for breath, crying, scared. I couldn't see. "Why can't I see, why can't I see?! Where did my eyes go, where're my eyes?!" I was going insane.  
"Get help!" Someone yelled. My arms were being pinned to the bed, as well as my legs.  
"Where did you take my eyes!? Where are they?! Where did you put them?!"  
"Put him under general anesthesia! Quickly!" Soon I was out again, limp, laying against the bed.  
Finally, I was awake for good. The thing was still on my face. I couldn't see. I began panicking again, but someone stopped me.  
"Kaneki...?" My breath caught in my throat.  
"Touka...? Touka... Touka, where are you? Why can't I see you?" I instinctively reached my hands out and groped around. "Touka... Touka, where are you...?" My voice cracked. "Why... why can't I see you?" I couldn't cry. Soft hands were holding mine.  
"Kaneki, it's okay. I'm right here. I've always been right here."  
"Why can't I see you?"  
She didn't reply immediately. "Your eyes..."  
"What did they do to them? Where are my eyes?"  
Touka didn't reply immediately. "You were fighting Arima... he... stabbed you... right through the eyes."  
"Why... why can't I cry?" I was shaking. Not out of anger, but out of sadness. Out of fear. "Will... will I never be able to see you again...? Will I be blind forever...?"  
Touka was trembling. I felt her hands trembling in mine. I knew that was a yes. I let go of her hands and let mine fall to the bed. I was defeated. Touka picked my hands up again.  
"But you're alive, Kaneki! That's all that matters!"  
"It's not worth it if I can't see you! You were the reason I was alive! Your smile, your eyes... you... and... and now I can't see you..."  
"But you can hear me! I'll still be with you. I'm not going anywhere." Touka embraced me in a light hug. She was crying. I felt her cold tears hit my neck. "Don't give up... we're... still here. We can make it through this..."  
At that time, I realized something: she loved me. It came as a shock to me. I would've blinked, or something, but I couldn't. All I could do was loosely wrap my arms about her. I couldn't do anything. I was useless.  
"Touka... Touka, let's go out..." My voice was shaky. "When I'm all better, let's go out."  
I felt Touka nod against my chest.  
I just wanted to cry.


End file.
